My lovely mommies,
It was Wednesday Oct 2nd 2013, 7am… my contractions from the last 2 days increased to the point where I was screaming bloody murder in the whole house. Finally, we ended up at the hospital around 8am and my OB came and said YUP, your dilated and ready to be admitted. It was like FINALLY, the time has come.
I had mentally prepared myself for the worst labor and delivery possible because I knew if I thought its a ride in the park, I would never be able to handle the pain and trauma. The drips were put on me and the nurse asked, “would you like your epidural started?”. I looked at her and said, no thank you, I’m going to do this without the epidural. She looked at me totally dumbfounded like you gotta be kidding? Anyways, I was labouring, I had morphine in my system, made me feel totally high and hallucinated. Few hours later, the nurse came back and said would you like the epidural now? I said nope. She brought the machine and kept it beside me and said whenever you’re ready sweety. Anyways, my contractions got stronger and I labored for few hours, they broke my water and I continued. Around 455pm, my OB came in and checked and said I haven’t dilated since the time I was admitted, she also noticed the heartbeat of the baby dropping. She went out for 2 seconds and when she returned there were 8 nurses in my room. She brought a form to me and said we need to take you into an emergency C-section and you need to sign this form. My husband said, “well can we read the form?” She said, you don’t have time. We realized that the situation had become a little serious. I remember being transferred very fast onto another bed and being rushed through the hall to the service elevator. It was like HOLLYWOOD MOVIES!! I was so worn out by the contractions and the pain I didn’t even know what was happening. But for some reason, I cried saying, “I failed as a mother to deliver naturally”. I still don’t know till today why I felt like that, but it hurt me to not be able to deliver naturally. Maybe I was so prepared for it and thought this is how it has to be that when I saw that not happening, I freaked out.
At 5:03pm , Yousuf was born. Except…it didn’t feel like he was “born.” It felt like my body had given up, I had failed as a mother, and someone else; a surgeon, was responsible for him being born. My body was so shaken up and I was so out of it that I couldn’t even hold my new baby. Well in my eyes it was the baby that I didn’t/couldn’t give birth to. He was pulled out my someone else because I couldn’t do it. I was then isolated into the recovery room. I didn’t like that. No one was allowed to meet me, I was alone and depressed. Finally, an hour or so later, I held my baby, it was amazing. He was the cutest thing ever, but I was so scared to hold him wondering, what if I fail at being a mother to him, I mean after all I couldn’t even give birth to him.
The first night I had a catheter inserted in me. I couldn’t feel my legs. It was like I was paralyzed… LITERALLY. A nurse would change me and clean me. The second day, the pain meds started to wear off and holy lord the pain of the incision was indescribable. I wanted to rip someones head off. They told me to try to get of the bed and stand. It took me 10 mins to do that and when I stood up , I fell. I didn’t know how to stand. My husband and my mom were there to help me a lot. The first time I showered, I had my mom and nurse washing me and I was balling my eyes out. They took the bandage of my incision and I had a complete breakdown. Seeing that scar on my body was like I just got hit by a train. Soon I realized I had slipped into post-partum depression.
Days, weeks, months and a year went by, the thought of not being able to give birth myself kept bothering me. It made me feel like a failure. Finally, I sat myself down one day and came to a conclusion.
To all the moms who went through or are going to have a c-section, you are NOT a failure. You brought a new life into this world. You kept your little one safe for 9 months. You put up with all the pains and discomforts of pregnancy for 9 months for your little one. Your baby’s birth process does not define your parenting skills and capabilities. Do not label yourself as a bad mother because you didn’t give birth naturally.
You are a strong woman, a loving and caring mother who is going to be spending the rest of her life doing everything possible to make sure your baby is more than just fine.